Angels Breathe

Life is full of beauty.  Notice it.  Notice the bumblebee, the small child, and the smiling faces.  Smell the rain, and feel the wind.  Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.

Wow!  Where does the time go?  Seriously, I feel like it wasn't that long ago since I made my last post but then I realized it was almost two weeks ago and I wanted to kick myself in the ass!!!  I don't intentionally put this off.  I really truly enjoy making posts and letting some feelings out but life is just too darn busy!!!  Between the kids, the farm, Jeff, keeping up with tons of housework and everything else in between time just disappears in a flash it seems.  So once again, I apologize to all of you that actually enjoy reading my posts.

It's funny how even with such a loaded plate and being so busy I can manage to take any time throughout my day to just kind of relax.  One of the things that truly puts me into a different place and calms my nerves is my music.  And I have started a ritual of listening to my Ipod and my wide variety of artists while doing dishes and housework at home.  Sometimes, this lasts a while and other times Luke takes my Ipod off it's dock and starts playing games with it, but I take as much as I can and sing away to every song I can.  Some put me in a real good mood, some make me feel young again (or should I say "younger again" as I'm not really old) and some, well, make me weepy and sad as they remind me of the past, or certain people in my life.  Funny how a certain song will come on and you correlate it with a specific place or time. 

Yesterday I came across a song on one of my Facebook friend's wall called To Where You Are by Josh Groban.  If any of you are familiar with Josh Groban he has one of the most powerful and beautiful male voices I have heard and I love his music.  She had posted it as it reminded her of the beautiful little girl their family lost when when she was about three weeks old, Lennon Trinity Grace Rivera.  I instantly had to listen to it and now it is a part of my collection on my Ipod and makes me think of my dear little Adam.  The words are as follows:

Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear

Deep in the stillness

I can hear you speak

You're still an inspiration

Can it be

That you are mine

Forever love

And you are watching over

Me from up above

Fly me up to where you are

Beyond the distant star

I wish upon tonight

To see you smile

If only for awhile to know you're there

A breath away's not far

To where you are

Are you gently sleeping

Here inside my dream

And isn't faith believing

All power can't be seen

As my heart holds you

Just one beat away

I cherish all you gave me everyday

Cause you are mine

Forever love

Watching me from up above

And I believe that angels breathe

And that love will live on and never leave

I know you must get sick of me posting about him, but he's always on my mind and my posts are "real" and "honest".  I write what I am feeling at the time and well, he's been on my mind a lot lately. 

He would be 5 now :(  He would be a handful, although probably not as much of a handful as his little brother Luke is right now.  I'm hoping that by 5 Luke takes a chill pill and learns to sit still for longer periods of a time (oh wait, he's sitting still right now!).

He'd likely be riding a 2 wheel bike with training wheels.  He'd be in school now most of the day.  He would still love me and want his Mommy but would likely be hanging out with Daddy at the farm and riding the tractors a lot too.  He'd be just as handsome as his brothers and he would make my heart melt when I looked at him, I just know it.

I don't think any person can completely understand losing a child this way unless they have personally experienced it themself.  It hurts and it leaves me with so many unanwered questions and what ifs?  I didn't get to know anything about him before he was gone other than his physical appearance.  He didn't get to experience how much I loved him, we loved him.

No cuddling, no lullabies, no burping him, no rocking him, one day you're busy anticipating his arrival and the next day everything is gone...and empty.

Do I struggle to get through my days?  No.  I rely on my faith in God and His plan for my life and trust that He knows what is best. 

Adam is never far from my thoughts though.  Ever..........

And believe it or not, working around the farm makes me feel closer to where he is.  The raw nature surrounding me every minute I am there makes me think of him.  The birds chirping, the sun rising each morning, the flowers in bloom, the cows chewing their cud, the newborn baby calves and their mommies caring for them immediately after they are born, the warm sun on my skin and the clouds in the sky.  Miracles, every single one of them.  Despite everything, I feel blessed.

I am convinced I will get to know him one day.  I am not in a hurry though as three other little bodies need me here right now - Adam is perfectly fine where he is :)