Someone's Missing

Warning:  This will likely be a lengthy post so if you aren't in the mood right now you may want to come back later.  Also, for any of you pregnant, you may not want to read, I don't need to make any of you nervous due to my experience.

So, we had our family pictures taken this past week, something I'd been wanting to do for a while but kept putting off.  I insisted they be done this year though as Jeff and I celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary and to me that was a good enough reason not to put it off again.  We decided to have them taken at Waubedonia Park as we had our wedding pictures taken there as well, so it seemed fitting.  They went well.  Little Lukas got a tad rambunctious by the time we took the actual family shots, but overall he cooperated pretty darn good considering his age.

The lady that took the pictures brought the CD over on Sunday evening when Jeff and I were in the barn doing chores together so what a treat it was for me to see all of them for the first time.  The kids and I were very excited and we got a ton of good pictures, I especially love the ones of the kids.

I couldn't help but think though, when looking through each and every one of them, that there was one particular person that should've been in the pictures with us.  One sweet little boy by the name of Adam who is missed so much by all of us.

For those of you who don't know me well that are reading this, in March of 2007 I gave birth to a special little angel.  Born with his very own set of angel wings at 28 weeks and I can tell you honestly that there isn't a single day that goes by where he isn't thought of.

I sit back and reflect on that experience all the time and for the most part don't blame myself for the outcome, but at times wonder if there was something I could've done different.  I think that's a natural instinct for any mother who has lost a child.  I think I kick myself in the head most for not going in sooner to see if everything was okay or not.

I had told a co-worker at work that day that something just didn't feel right and that I hadn't felt the baby move since the night before at bedtime.  I opted out of sitting with my normal group at lunch and just stayed at my desk that day for some reason.  I ran an errand to Wal-Mart with Zach after work (Samantha was at a Girl Scout outing overnight) and remember being worried then but figured I was just over-reacting.  Jeff came home that night from the farm and I issued my concern, he too figured everything was fine.  I started reading my books, they had comments in them to lay on your side, drink or eat, those things can sometimes provoke the baby to move.  I did them all....nothing.

Finally, I called the hospital, explained my concern and they said I should come in to check things out.  Seriously, I had no reason to think anything was wrong.  I was the poster child for being pregnant really.  I never got sick, didn't gain much weight with any of my pregnancies, and for the most part absolutely loved being pregnant.  I had already had an ultrasound done at 20 weeks that appeared to be okay and showed no signs of concern. 

Boy, nothing could've prepared me for the news the doctor gave me at the hospital that night.  How does the normal person react to somebody telling you that this precious little baby inside of you isn't alive anymore?  My first thought was actually of my other two kids and how disappointing this would be for them.

My Mom had taken me to the hospital so Jeff could stay home with Zach, as we had no idea how long I would be and his parents had just left for a vacation and he was in charge of the farm.  I don't think my Mom had any idea what to say even, she was pretty silent most of the time, but I did see how it affected her as well.  I remember having to call Jeff to tell him and the silence on the other end of the phone at that time.  We had the option of me staying and immediately being induced into labor then or coming back the following day once my doctor was in and we chose the later option so we could both tell the kids in person and I would have time to make some calls about funeral arrangements and such.  I remember Jeff greeting me at the door when I got home and just hugging and crying in our kitchen.  Why the hell does shit like this happen?

I tried to sleep and of course I couldn't.  I felt completely lost.  Was I dreaming all this or was it truly happening?  How was I going to tell Sam and Zach.  This wouldn't make any sense to them.  When I told Zach he was confused more than anything and didn't really cry too much.  He was only 5 when this happened but when I picked up Sam from the school that morning when she returned from her Girl Scout outing and got her home, she just sobbed and sobbed, which then of course made all of us break down again.

I was never a hugely religious person but I do attend church on a regular basis and I believed in God and to trust in him and all, but I will admit at this particular time, it made no sense to me what his plan was.  I was pissed, I was confused and just plain sad.  Our family didn't deserve this. What had we done wrong?

I took care of myself immensely when I was pregnant!  I didn't drink caffeine, I never smoked, I wasn't a big drinker so giving that up was a piece of cake.  I ate better when I was pregnant than I did when I wasn't, I stayed active, went to all my appointments to make sure everything was okay and it irritated the crap out of me afterwards when I would run into pregnant ladies who obviously didn't give a shit about the dear little one growing inside them.  Walking around obviously pregnant with cigarettes in their mouths as if what they were doing had no affect on that unborn child.  So yeah, it sure didn't seem fair at all.

We went to the hospital that Saturday afternoon to be induced.  Before going there we had made arrangements with our minister to come at some point during labor and then again after to talk and to do a blessing for little Adam.  I had also spoke with our funeral director to start making arrangements for his little funeral.  We had contacted family to let them know about what had happened and now came the horrible part of going to the hospital to deliver our baby, a baby that was already gone and who we would never get to know.

I worried about the delivery and will admit I was scared about how the baby would look.  At this point we didn't know what we were having and we also didn't know what went wrong, so there was a part of me that was scared to see obvious signs when the baby was in my arms for the first time.  Fortunately for us, that wasn't the case.  Little Adam looked like a normal and very healthy little baby, just smaller.  In fact, he looked almost exactly like I remember Zachary when he was born.  A full head of black hair, sideburns even, that same little nose and facial features.  He was beautiful!!!

To any of you who haven't experienced something similar to this, that last statement might seem odd to you.  How can a baby that is dead look beautiful?  Well he did.  He was perfect.  Every little toe in place, every little finger where it needed to be.  How could it be possible something wasn't right with him?  Totally didn't make sense.

I held him with tears flowing down my face, Jeff at my side doing the same.  We would never ever get to hear him coo, never get to know his personality, never know his favorite color, never see him go on a ride at the county fair, everything we had ever hoped for our little guy had been completely taken away.  If that isn't a blow to somebody's system I don't know what is.

Jeff eventually left to go home, it was after 10:00 pm by the time he was delivered and close to midnight by the time our minister had came and gone again.  I was left alone in this room with my little boy for the first time.  I undid the tiny little clothes he was wearing, examined him over and over.  Stroked his head, held his teeny tiny little hands, tickled his feet, everything I would never have the opportunity to ever do again after the following day.

We had plans for the kids and my family to come up on Sunday to see me and yes, to see him.  Once again, something that may seem odd to people, but something that helped a ton to bring some closure to the situation.  The hospital staff and books I had glanced at since we knew what had happened highly suggested we do this for our kids to help them to understand Adam was real and to help them make sense of what had happened.

Was this easy for anybody?  Hell no!  There wasn't a family member that came up that didn't cry and get emotional, but at the same time, there wasn't a family member that regretted doing it. 

We had a mere part of Saturday and a good portion of Sunday with our little boy and that was it.  Leaving that hospital without your baby is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life.  It took both Jeff and I forever to say goodbye and I will never forget that moment.  I don't think I can accurately describe that pain that I was going through, that Jeff was going through at that time.

Over the course of the next few days I had this horrible image of this little baby wondering what was happening to him?  A sense that I had let him down and that the biggest job a mother has in her life, to protect her child, I had completely failed at.  I know for a fact that if it weren't for my other two children and the strength I needed to show for them, and also being there for Jeff as well, I would've become a basket case, I'm sure of it.  I counted my blessings every single day that I had them or I'm not quite sure how I would've coped.

So, we had a small funeral, immediate family only and buried our little boy.  Jeff and I had bought cemetery plots a few years earlier when my Dad passed away, so that we could be buried near my parents, but I had absolutely no intention of using them so soon and certainly not for one of my children.  Adam was buried at the foot of what will be my grave someday, which put him very close to my Dad, which brought some comfort to me.

It's been over four years now, and over time I have come to terms with the fact that God has a plan, although it certainly may not make sense at the time.  Here are some thoughts that run through my head as to why God would take him from us the way that he did.

1)  My Dad was up in Heaven without a little grandson and he needed one to keep him company? 
2)  God took Adam to open up a window for our little Lukas to be a part of our lives.  I honestly believe that if Adam had lived we would've stopped and Lukas wouldn't be here now.
3)  Adam was up in Heaven to greet his Grandpa Rick, who also LOVED his grandkids, when he got there.
4)  Jeff and I were having some issues at the time and God brought Adam into it long enough to help our marriage get back on track and realize how much we needed each other.

I'm not sure what reason above was his reason, or if its something completely different, but I can tell you, this experience has made me stronger, I believe it's made our marriage stronger, and I guarantee you it has made me appreciate everything so much more and try to take nothing for granted.

Could I have a cleaner house?  Most definitely!  Could I work more hours at my job?  Damn straight!  Could I save more money for the future by not spoiling my kids and taking them all over the place and buying them crap they don't need?  Ummm.....yes!  But you know what, I don't want to waste my time fretting over that kind of stuff if it means taking time away from spending time with them and seeing the smiles on their faces with each new experience they have.

I wasn't able to do any of that for my dear little Adam.  I'm going to make darn sure I throw all of the extra hugs and kisses and raspberries I couldn't do to him towards my other three bozos!!!  They'll be sooo sick of me by the time they move out on their own.

Here is a link to Adam's website I had created shortly after he passed away.  Check it out if you feel like it.

http://adam-dahm.memory-of.com