Fifteen

 I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you -  Roy Croft


Fifteen.  When you initially hear that number you probably think it is rather small by comparison to others.  For example, if you could fill your gas tank with $15.00 you would think that was a great deal, right?  If you knew there were only 15 students per classroom at your child's school you would be happy with that as well.  So in most cases, the number fifteen seems on the smaller end of the scale.  Well, for me, fifteen means A LOT!!!

It means A LOT of laughter, A LOT of patience, A LOT of struggles, A LOT of smiles, A LOT of overall happiness and A LOT of growth.

Jeff and I will be married fifteen years this week and in this day and age I think that is a huge accomplishment!

I remember my parent's reaction when Jeff finally proposed, "It's about damn time," my Dad said.  We had dated for about five years before he asked me.  One thing that just floors me is I was a mere 19 years old and he was 22 years old when we first started dating.  I am now pushing 40, which means I have been with Jeff for more than half of my life.  To me that is some crazy shit!  More than half my life?!  **she shakes her head***  Wow!

Although I am getting older and I'll admit my memory does fail me at times, I can remember every little detail of our wedding day.  And even 15 years later I wouldn't change a thing about it.  To me it was simply one of the most beautiful days of my life and filled would so much love with family and friends, and a ton of fun!!!

The ceremony was perfect and I may be biased here but I think our sermon was the best I've ever heard at a wedding ceremony.  Not only because it was based on Christian values but it was also very comical and our minister, Barry, did an awesome job of making it more personable and spoke about how we met.  Which I will touch on a little bit right now.

Jeff and I both attended Random Lake High School but he was a Senior when I was a Freshman so we didn't have any classes together and only knew each other in passing each other in the hallways.  Don't think I wasn't checking him out then already though, I was :)

In fact, one day while sitting in the choir room with some of my girlfriends we were talking goofy and we decided to pick out one boy from each of the high school grades that we would want to kiss if we ever had the chance and well, yes, for the Senior class I picked Jeff Dahm.  I never really thought it would ever happen.

So, although we never really spoke the entire time I went to high school, when I was waitressing at the Midway Restaurant he would come in there to eat with his Grandpa Dahm or his Dad and well, long story short, we eventually started talking on the phone here and there and the rest is history.

So, back to the wedding.  Here are some of the things I remember the most.

1)  It was H-O-T that day.  That summer kind of reminds me of our current summer, not much of one.  Not many days in the 90s at all the entire summer, but our wedding day I believe it was 95 degrees.  One good thing going for us is that there was a little breeze, thank goodness.

2)  It was a large wedding.  We had 10 couples not including ourselves and our church was filled that day.

3)  It was fun!!!  Holy cow did we have a good time.  Between the fun our bridal party had with each other to the reception and how fun it was I couldn't have asked for a better time.  The dance floor was packed all night long and pretty much all of our bridal party was cutting a rug that night.  Our wedding video is hilarious to watch.  Jeff even danced to a fast song during the grand march.  That is the one and only time I've seen him dance and he totally caught  me off guard when he did it.

Jeff cutting a rug during our Grand March.

4)  The garter toss was also hilarious.  Well not the toss itself, but Jeff retrieving the garter from my leg.  He would go under the dress as if to get the garter and then come back out numerous times huffing and puffing as if he was trying to get air, and then he would dive back under for more. 

Jeff getting the garter from my leg.  Quite an experience!

5)  To make the reception interesting for the crowd, we also had some twists.  Our first game involved all of the bridesmaids and myself, and we all sat on chairs while Jeff was being blind folded.  Once the music started Jeff was led to each of us in a row so that he could feel our legs from the knees down only.  His job was to figure out which legs were mine.  Surprisingly enough, out of all of us, he was able to narrow his picks down and his final pick was me.  Hurray!

Hurray!  You got your girl!!!

 The second part of this game was that all of the groomsmen then stood in a line while I was being blind folded.  My job was to feel all of their butts and try to figure out which one was Jeff's.  I thought for sure I would have no problem figuring this out, BUTT (no pun intended), they all threw me for a loop when they decided to drop their pants for this game, well most of them anyway.  In fact, a few of the guys decided to hike their undies up their cracks so I would feel skin when I went to touch.  NOT NICE!  Needless to say, I DID NOT pick Jeff and failed.  And the saddest part is, the groomsman I felt up the most was my big brother :(

Me giving the no sign to Jeff's butt.  Oops!

So, it's crazy to think it has been fifteen years already and like I said, I wouldn't change a thing about it.  In fact, it would be a hell of a lot of fun to go back to that day and do it all over again.  I'm just so thankful for everything we have become and look forward to everything else we can share together.

If there is anything I have learned over the years it is to have a lot of patience, compromise and be grateful.  Grateful for each other, grateful for the time we have and never go to bed at night without a kiss goodnight and an "I love you".

Here is looking forward to another 15 years together and then some.  I can hardly to wait to see what journey the next 15 years will bring!!!  See ya!!!

Never Grow Up

Your little hands wrapped around my finger
And it's so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter 'cause you're dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favorite night light

Samantha & Daddy

To you, everything's funny
You got nothing to regret
I'd give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that

Baby Sam in her nursery at our apartment

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Sam playing peek-a-boo

I won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
No, no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up

Sam fell asleep on her playroom floor with her rock n roll Elmo

Whenever I hear the above song by Taylor Swift it touches my heart and makes me think of our first born child, Samantha Joyce.  I am amazed and a tad bit depressed at how fast she he grown up and can't grasp where the time went.  She just turned 13 years old this past March and I seriously feel like it wasn't that long ago when I had to tell Jeff we were having her, a tad nervous about the entire conversation I'll admit.

See, Jeff and I were married a little over a year when I found out and although we weren't really doing anything to prevent me from getting pregnant, at the same time I don't think either one of us thought it would happen as quickly as it did.  I literally had stopped taking birth control the end of April and she was conceived on what we believe to be Jeff's birthday, June 5th.  Some birthday present, heh!

So here we were, excited to be having a child but scared to death all at the same time.  Jeff more than me of course.  My main goal in life was always to be a wife and mother, I didn't care so much about the big fancy career and all of that stuff, so to me this was just the beginning of the life I had always hoped for.

I remember during my pregnancy I always felt great.  I didn't have any real terrible signs of being pregnant at all.  No morning sickness, no weird cravings or smells that bothered me.  I would say the only thing I noticed was being more tired. 

We had decided not to find out what we were having as we wanted to be surprised at the end of it.  I will admit though, the Degnitz side was definitely rooting for a baby girl as my brother and sister both had two boys each and we didn't need anymore of those little guys running around.  This was the exact reason I had prepared myself for a little boy, because how often do you really get what you want, right?  Jeff was even so sure it was a boy and I remember a conversation between him and another man when I was about 7 months pregnant.

"So...what you guys having?"  the man says.

"A boy!" Jeff replies.

The man then says, "Oh you found out with the ultrasound?"

Jeff then replies, "Oh no!  I just know how to make boys!"

Hilarious!  He was so confident.  And he admitted to me about two days after we came home from the hospital that even though he wouldn't give her back and he loved her terribly that when the doctor said it was a girl he felt like he got kicked square in the head.  That story still makes me chuckle out loud.

Sam's hospital picture - she had the rosiest little cheeks!

I tell you, having a little girl was a ton of fun.  I know for a fact, from the ages of about newborn to 4 or so, that little girl didn't go to church on Sunday without wearing one of the most adorable dresses ever.  And she had a wide variety of clothes.

Sam dressed like a pea pod for her very first Halloween!

And even though she lost most of her hair shortly after she was born and was bald until she was a little over a year, when that hair started growing back in I had so much fun putting braids, pony tails and little clippies in her hair to match her outfits.  She didn't always like when Mom did her hair, but the end result was always so damn cute!!!

Sam on our front porch with that infectious smile and pretty hair!

Man!  Once again, where the hell does the time go?

I do know that, as trying as her strong personality could be at times, and still can be, I have been amazingly proud and grateful for the person she has become. 

Sam walking along the beach in South Padre Island.

From day one she has always been a very happy baby for the most part, and even now pretty optimistic.  She sees the glass half full instead of half empty and I LOVE that about her.  And despite the many losses she has had to already deal with her in her short life she always seems to be smiling and keeping her head up!!!

Sam and Grandpa Rick teasing each other!

Sam with my parents the summer before her Grandpa passed away.

And in addition to her upbeat, quirky personality she is also a goodhearted person.  She is extremely kind to everybody and likes the fact that she doesn't necessarily do something because that's what everybody else is doing at the time.  She thrives on being her own person and will give everyone a fair shot.  In this day and age that says a lot.

Sam and one of her first facial masks!

I realize I'm rambling here.  I hope I'm not boring you to death.  I guess I'm just really thankful for having her in our lives and already thinking about how much I will miss having her around when she starts her adult life without us.

Sam on her first day in kindergarten.

I hope and pray every single day that she holds onto the values I have been trying to teach her and that she makes good decisions in her future. She already told me she is dying her hair purple as soon as she goes off to college, which I already told her would be her first "BAD" decision! Dad will not be happy about that at all!

Sam and Daddy chilling.

So, with that said, please my sweet little girl, don't grow up so damn fast!!!  Mom needs you here a while longer to stand up to all those boys in our house and well, I just love the way you are right now.

Samantha - from the Aramic meaning "listener".  She has a great deal of will power
and is very principled.  A resourceful person who usually achieves her goals.

Bittersweet

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. ~Clarence Budington Kelland

Well here we are, it's Father's Day.  A day for so many men and their families to celebrate.  To celebrate the men they have become and to thank them for all they do for their wives, children, grandchildren.

We don't really have a tradition of doing a particular thing on Father's Day, or at least we hadn't years ago.  We would typically go to church, go somewhere for lunch (usually Rocky Rococcos in Fond Du Lac), and then what would happen after that is always a wild card.  Sometimes maybe we'd stop of at a playground to play with the kids, sometimes Jeff would be too tired and we'd just go home and relax.  Actually for the most part it is a pretty average Sunday for us.  We have errands to run and Jeff always has to be back for afternoon chores by 3:00 pm so there isn't a lot of time to do too much.

Father's Day for us over the last few years has unfortunately become a bittersweet day for us.  A day where we are instantly reminded that we are missing three key people to celebrate this day with and the one tradition we do have is visiting the cemetery for each of them.  It gets a little easier every year to go there on Father's Day but the loss will never be forgotten.  The loss of both our fathers and our little boy Adam just makes this day rather shitty to be honest.

Knowing your own father isn't here to spend the day with, and for Jeff, as a father, to know one of his children isn't here to celebrate with just down right stinks.  Oh I'm positive the two Grandpas are spoiling little Adam up in Heaven right now and having one heck of a time.  I still believe that is why Adam is up there, to keep them two out of trouble and happy, but it doesn't make it any easier.

So, in honor of these three very important people my blog today is dedicated to all of them. Two Dads who gave everything for their family and one sweet little boy who is loved very much by all of us.

My Dad with Samantha when she was Trick or Treating

My Dad with Zachary when he was born

Jeff's Dad with three of his grandkids

Jeff's Dad with Zachary

Baby Adam

The Good Things

So, at the end of 2010 I went shopping for my 2011 Daily Calendar to put on my desk at work.  To some of you this may not seem like a very big deal but to me it really is.  I use this daily desk calendar as a source of stress relief throughout my week and it's amazing to me sometimes how much I have come to rely on it as a source of comfort or laughter to brighten my work day. 

In the past I have picked a variety of calendars.  One year I had one that was all pictures of puppies.  Another year I had one that was Mind Puzzles to solve.  A different time I picked one that was the Stupidest Things Ever Said - this one was lame.  As I grew older and dealt with more struggles throughout my life I noticed myself leaning towards more inspirational and scripture type calendars to help me put into perspective what truly matters.  They have helped me more than one can imagine.

So, when it came time for this year I ended up picking up one I haven't gotten before but was still something that would inspire me.  I found one called "1,000 Places To See Before You Die Calendar".  It certainly caught my attention and I bought it right away.  It kind of reminded me of the movie The Bucket List and I was intrigued to see if any of the places within this calendar were places I already had the luxury of visiting.  I did find it very cool that the place listed on my birthday was one I had already been to - Key West, Florida.  Awesome place to see if you ever get the chance.

Within this calendar are not only photos of these locations, but fun facts about some of them and famous quotes as well.  I found today's quote to be a very nice one and wanted to share it with all of you.

"While you are here on the earth, enjoy the good things that are here."  - John Shelden.

What a statement that we all should live by, heh?  I can tell you that I sure have tried to do that over the course of the last few years.  The problem is, everybody's version of the "good things" could be very different.  What do you think of when you hear those words?  Here are some of my "good things".

My family and their smiles, hugs, laughter, accomplishments.  I adorn myself with them all the time.  It is them that makes my bad days all worth it and my work space is surrounded by things that make me think of them.

Another good thing for me is our country we live in.  I feel very fortunate to have traveled to many places in the US already and there hasn't been one that I've visited that I didn't find beauty in.  One of the things on my bucket list is to have the opportunity to visit each state in our country once.  I have quite a few to go, but at the same time feel blessed to have seen as many as I have.

Lake Pleasant, Arizona

The Grand Canyon, Arizona (obviously)

Near Peoria, Arizona

The Hoover Dam

Scenery in Utah

In front of Caesars Palace, Las Vegas

Myrtle Beach, South Carolina

I do believe that some other good things we should all appreciate are the little things.  The simplistic things that a lot of us take for granted on a daily basis.  Clothes on our back, food on our tables, a roof over our head, and people to share all of these things with.  The love of our Lord, who I honestly have come to rely on so heavily over the years.  A hug from a friend, a sunshiny day, a coffee in the morning, a bowl of ice cream after dinner, a good report card from your child, an old song on the radio, a walk around town, the smell of lilacs coming into your house and my list would go on and on.

So with that said, learn to enjoy the "good things" in your life, whatever those may be.  Don't take any of them for granted and don't get greedy with what you want them to be.  I've found the simple things to make much more of an impact on my daily routine than the materialistic, showy things so many people strive for to keep them happy and complete.

Change in Plans

As a young girl you are always anxious for the future.  Anxious to be a grown up and get on with your life.  You can't stop thinking about what you want to be when you grow up, when you'll get married, where you will live, how many children you will have, etc.

You share funny stories with your girlfriends about so many things.  I remember so many conversations about babies and what we would name our kids when we grew up.  You'll never believe this but at one point when I was young if I had a girl I was going to name her Bambi and if I had a boy I was going to name him Benji.  Apparently we watched a lot of Disney movies or something at the Degnitz household?  All I can say is thank goodness I grew up and got those names out of my head.

There is also a time while growing up where you set goals and aspirations about your life to come and I remember having conversations with my Mom and Dad about three rules for my upcoming life that I would never ever do.  I was dead serious!!!  These were rules I had no intention of breaking.

Rule #1 - I would never put a big age gap between my children like my parents did with me.  My brother is 10 years older than me and my sister 8 years.  And I can't tell you how many times I had begged them for a younger brother or sister.  I kind of felt like an only child growing up as they had both moved out of the house and started families shortly after high school.  My brother and sister will say I should've thought I was lucky because being the baby in the family meant I was spoiled.  I never saw it that way of course.  Well, for those of you who know me now, I totally broke that rule!!!  Samantha is 13, Zach is 9 and then we have dear little Lukas who is 2.  Oops!



Rule #2 - If I was fortunate enough when starting a family to have one child of each sex after having two children I was calling it quits.  At that time I saw no reason why I would want another child if I already had a son and a daughter.  Are you seeing a trend here?  Yep!  I had a daughter and then a son and obviously kept going.  I will admit though after Zach was born and my parents visited me in the hospital to see him my Dad asked if I was going to have anymore and I instantly responded with "Nope! I'm done!"  Labor was still real fresh in my mind yet :)

Rule #3 - This will be the funniest of all!  I swore up and down, diagonal and sideways that I would NEVER EVER marry a dairy farmer.  My reasoning at the time was that farmers worked too much and weren't going to be around very much.  For some people they may have seen that as I good thing, I however wanted something different out of a marriage, or at least I thought I did.  So, as you all know, I broke that rule as well.  Mom and Dad always said I wasn't the best listener :)

Jeff feeding the cows

I guess as I've grown up I've learned that life doesn't always go as planned and that the path God leads you down in your life is made for a reason.  Without me breaking these three rules I had my life would be so completely different and I am so happy with the life I have.

I would say of all three the farming one has been the most surprising to me.  Who would've thought years ago that I would be helping Jeff throughout the week with feeding the calves, scraping up cow poop, walking through cow poop and whatever else he throws at me?  What's even more strange is that I actually seem to enjoy it. 

One of the many calves at the farm

I think what I enjoy the most is the time spent with each other, having the kids with us and the outdoors.  It's nice to help each other, teach the kids what hard work is about, and just spend quality time together instead of sitting on a couch at home zoned out watching some stupid TV show.   And well, my husband looks pretty damn sexy when he works!

Zachary carrying some empty pails into the barn - these were used to feed the calves some milk

Lukas carrying an empty pail through the barn and smiling for the camera of course

Daddy given Lukas a ride on the tractor

I look forward to many more days on the farm.  My husband may work a lot of long hours and may miss out on some things for the kids but I have so much respect for what he does and how hard he works and the dedication it takes to do what he does. 


I've also found there are many benefits to being married to a farmer as well.  A full freezer of meat at all times, our kids can go to work with their Dad on any given day, if I need to find Jeff I pretty much know where he is and the best yet, I know he is never hitting dubble bubble with the guys after work.  So much to be thankful for!!!

My First Love

So here I am, venturing into a world of unknown really.  Oh sure, I've read a few blogs here and there and they have been really inspirational to me, but to start one of my own is a bit uneasy.  I was inspired to start through some friends of mine saying they always like the positive words I have to say on my Facebook posts and I can tell you that I DO have a lot on my mind, so to me it made complete sense to dive into this new venture of mine full force.  Well, here I go.  I apologize in advance for any posts that may put you to sleep or any that could offend.  My goal is to be truthful, uplifting and humorous all at the same time. 

I'm not quite sure when a young girl realizes the impact her first true love will have on her.  I can guarantee you that when the above photo was taken I had no idea at all how important my Dad really was to me.  Oh yeah sure, I knew he helped take care of me and he was a blast to hang out with but I had no clue how awesome he was as a man.  I do know that over the years we butted heads a ton of times (bullheads-both of us) and of course I wouldn't speak to him for days at a time, but that's besides the point, even as a teenager I liked hanging with him and my Mom.

I don't think I truly realized the love a young girl has for her father until he was diagnosed with cancer when I was in the 8th grade.  I can still remember waiting for the bus the morning he was supposed to find out his results and for some reason I knew when watching out the window for the bus to come that something bad was about to happen.  I was in 8th grade!  8th grade for crying out loud and that premonition of our life being turned upside down will never leave my mind!

Oh don't get me wrong, my Dad from day one was a fighter and wasn't going to let anybody think this disease would get the best of him, but he struggled a lot over his 16 years of fighting non-Hodgkins lymphoma.  I know if I could talk to him today though he would say it was all worth it.  Goodness, there were times after his diagnosis where I seriously thought he wouldn't be there to see me get confirmed, graduate from high school, see me get married and have children of my own and he did and I'll always be thankful for that.  Thankful that my first love was there for so many important life changing events of mine.

I won't lie and sugarcoat the last 9 1/2 years since he passed.  Our family has never been the same.  His presence is extremely missed and I get pissed on occasion that my children won't have any solid memories of the great man he was.  I show them our wedding video and Grandpa Norbie is dancing like a crazy man with the biggest smile ever on his face, but it's not the same, it will never be the same and I've learned to live with that.

How?  I think of him.  Think of the compassion he had for life.  The compassion he had for his family.  The compassion I so want to emulate on a daily basis.  I am not lying when I say that there isn't one single day that goes by where I don't think of him and how important he was to so many people that knew him and how well respected he was as a person.  His funeral was a huge outpouring of support and love that made it obvious to all of us that he had made an impact on many people's lives.

We had prepped a slow cooker with sloppy joes for the entire family to eat during the 5 hour visitation that Friday night and none of us even got a chance to slip away from the receiving line long enough to eat anything.  It was one continuous line of people and loved ones from 3-8 pm.  Many with so many stories to retell about times they had spent with him. Stories I still tell to this day to my children so they know the importance of being kind, and being positive just like he was.    I know he isn't here with me now but I guarantee you he is watching over me.  And it is for that simple reason that I want to be a better person, be the kind of person he had been to so many people in his life.  Call me a copy cat I suppose, but I don't mind.  If I turn out to be half the person he was I'll be thrilled.

With that note I am heading to bed and looking forward to a bright, sunshiny day tomorrow.  A struggle to pull my teenage daughter from her bed for her last day of school.  To be greeted in the morning by my 9 year old son whose breath will smell horrible and who I will darn near have to pay cash to brush his teeth and a CRAZY toddler destroying the house and pestering our poor dog Lucy all before heading out the door at 7:15 am.  Sweet dreams everybody and I'll be in touch and I promise more pictures on future posts (I'm new to this).