What Would He Think



Dad whispering in my ear at our wedding "I hope all of your dreams come true."

Not a single day goes by where I don't think of my Dad.  It will be 10 years in January since he passed away but he is never far from my mind. 

I wonder what our life would be like if he was still here with us?  A lot more fun than it is now, that's for damn sure!

I wonder what he would be doing with his free time?  Would he be traveling the country like he would've liked to, or would he still be running his business and maybe working less but still working?

Most of all though, I wonder what he would think about me and whether or not he would be proud?  I have an image of him up in Heaven and watching down on us, making his judgements and assessments of our daily routine.

As a young girl and into adulthood, he was by far my biggest supporter I think.  When I was heavily involved in the local softball programs as a young girl and even when I was married, he would come to every one of my games, with my Mom by his side, and cheer me on.  I think he truly enjoyed being a part of it all and talking to all of the other parents and just having a good time.

Same with when I was a cheerleader in high school.  He came to almost every single basketball game I cheered for.  Looking back, maybe he was doing it to make sure I wasn't getting into trouble and wasn't really there to support me necessarily, but either way he was there.

I remember growing up and having a different relationship with my parents than most kids I knew.  I wasn't embarrassed to go places with them and hang out with them at all.  I even went to the Dells with them the summer in-between my junior and senior year of high school, just the three of us, and had a blast!  I even went grocery shopping with them during my high school years a lot.

So, to say there is a huge hole in me, and something missing, would be an understatement.  Oh the memories are good, and they are all I have now, but they aren't by any means the same.

There are so many days where I wish I could just pick up a phone and call him.  Ask him for advice on "life".

I especially miss the knowledge he had for carpentry and handy man shit.  I have so many projects I would love to do around my house, Jeff is by no means a handy man with this stuff, he knows farming things but that's about as far as it goes it seems, and if Dad were here I know I could do them with a little advice and encouragement from him.  So instead, I just sit back and think about how I'm going to do these on my own, I will eventually, I have to, nobody else is going to do them for me that's for damn sure.

I often sit back and think about what I have become since Dad and I last saw each other.  I was a Mom before he passed away, but a lot less experienced one.  I hope he would be proud of my mothering skills and how far they have come and that if there were things he would change, he should nudge me or something.

I hope he would be okay with the person I have become as a whole and that he can see that I'm trying my best.  I may not be the best with budgeting, I may not have the fanciest house on the street or the cleanest by any means, but my intentions are good.

I go to work every day to help provide for my family, and I try to help out Jeff and the kids whenever they need something and that I'm not selfish.

I may not have carried on his love for racing  and I hope he don't hold that against me but I try to continue to carry on his love of family as much as I can.

The kids and I were watching my wedding video off and on most of the weekend, and it made me smile.  Dad was so healthy at our wedding and it wasn't until about 6 months after that when his health started to really spiral downward.

His smile on our wedding video is infectious!  His love of dancing and of life in general was so fun to watch.  Like Zach said when watching the video "Wow!  Grandpa Norbie had the moves!!!"

I wish my kids still had him in their life and could know this great man.  I wish I could still have him in my life, I miss him so much and just want to say hello, how ya doing?

I'll be watching my wedding video a lot in the next few days I think.  I think he was proud of who I was when he died, I hope he is still proud of who I am now.