Spent

Spent - used and no longer useful;  very tired.

Yep, that's me.  The one word above is the perfect word to describe how I have felt a good majority of this week and exactly why I have been so late in making any new posts.  It's a good spent, don't get me wrong, but it is a feeling I can't seem to shake at all.

The new schedule at the farm, getting up a little before 4 am and most of the time going all day, whether at the farm or at home without a rest until hitting the hay around 9 pm and then adding all of the fun and activity of the Holiday season has really kicked my butt.

Like I said above though, I wouldn't change it.  It's been a good last couple of weeks.  Nothing beats spending time with family and friends and I cherish every single moment I have with them.

My three gorgeous kids with the mini pillow pets Jeff and I got them.

Although I have been tired, this has by far been the best Christmas break I have had in a long while.  Oh sure, I'm still working an average of 9 hours each day at the farm, but at the same time I am able to be home with my kids throughout the day while they are off of school, something I haven't done in a very long time and it feels damn good!!!

One day the kids and I cleaned up our house, not by their choice of course, but it was completed nonetheless.  My simple rule was, "You want to do anything fun this week at all when you are off of school, you are helping to clean the house".  It worked.  Hurray!!!

One day Sam went to a friend's house overnight so I took the boys and one of Zach's friends to see the new Alvin & The Chipmunks movie, and to my delight and surprise, Luke actually made it through the entire movie with only two periodic exits to go to the bathroom.

A different day little Luke came to chores in the afternoon with us, which is always a handful, but still nice at the same time as it just gives me that much more time with the little guy before he is older and flying the coop :(  He just basically rides his tricycle up and down the barn aisle about 100 times and it's all good.

And then this morning Zach came with me in the morning to help Jeff and I do chores.  I love that!!!  Good old family bonding time.  And for a young guy at the mere age of 10, he does a pretty darn good job, although I noticed and he admitted on the drive home, he was moving a bit slow for chores this morning.  I guess I can't blame him, afterall it was very early when we left.

Along with these other activities, the kids and I just basically chillaxed at home, sat back in our jammies a lot, watched movies, talked and just acted goofy.

My underwear head dudes!!!

I feel blessed once again.  Blessed for these new opportunities life has brought to me.  More time "spent" with my kids and more time "spent" with Jeff.

Okay I'll admit, there have been a few naps throughout the last few weeks on the couch with the hubby too.  We haven't been able to do that together for a long time and it feels damn good!!!

Christmas Pasts

Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time. ~Laura Ingalls Wilder

Well that time of year is approaching again, Christmas, and I have to confess, I have very mixed emotions about the whole ordeal.  Over the course of the last few years I dread the shopping (as it costs too damn much) and deciding what to get our children is a daunting task in itself.  Oh sure, Luke is easy, get him anything resembling a tractor, car or truck and he's set, but the other two are at those ages where everything they want is "techy" crap that we don't understand and also costs a ton.  I get so stressed out by all of this, really I do.  Every year we say we are going to spend less but then we buy the stuff at the store and when it's all wrapped it never looks like much that I end up going back and getting something else.  The idea of my kids waking up on Xmas morning with looks of disappointment on their faces would break my heart.

I do look forward to getting together with family, I love them all, but even that isn't what it used to be when both of our Dad's were still alive and never feels quite "right".  Between my Dad's "red robins" (a special drink we always had on Christmas Eve) and Jeff's Dad's smart ass comments at Christmas (well, now that I think of it, he had those all the time), there is a definite void.

So, with this hum bug sort of feeling I have going into the Christmas season I decided to pull out some pictures from past Holidays seasons to help put a smile on my face and remind me of those "moments" during every Christmas season that bring joy, happiness and smiles to our faces.

Opening Presents.  Now what season would be complete without the smiles on everybody's faces when opening gifts from friends and family?  I can never get enough of looking at photos of my kids and loved ones opening their gifts.

Me as a young girl with the black rub-a-dub-dolly I got.  Apparently my parents waited until the last minute to do their Xmas shopping too and they couldn't find any white ones in the store so they got me a black one instead, knowing it was the one thing I really wanted for Xmas.

Zach opening a gift on Xmas morning.

Sam watching Zach open one of his gifts on Xmas morning.

My Mom and Dad opening gifts from us kids on Xmas.  I believe this was the year they took up golfing and we got them clubs and things for their new sport.

My nephews Collin & Dustin with their new bowling balls. 

Pictures by the Christmas Tree.  I don't know about you, but I always have to take pictures of the tree with the kids by it to show how the kids looked that year at Christmas, along with how the tree was decorated.

Samantha by our tree our very first Christmas in our house.

Samantha and Zachary in front of the tree.

My nephew, Derek, in front of my parent's tree at Xmas.  He is a Daddy now himself.

Your famous professional Holiday photos. 

Samantha dressed so pretty for one of her Xmas picture sessions.

Another Samantha picture, she was so darn cute!

Samantha & Zachary one Xmas.

A family picture one Xmas.

Group family photos taken at get together.  I'm not sure about your families but I know with mine we are always taking a ton of photos at each Christmas get together.  One of the whole family, some with just the grandkids, some with the grandparents and kids and everything in-between. 

Jeff's Mom with our niece Nicole, Samantha and Zachary.

The Degnitz cousins in 1999.  Derek, Collin, Dustin, Colton and Samantha.  Even with the addition of some more now, Samantha is still the only girl on this side of the family.

Christmas 2010 with the Dahms.  Lukas, our niece Nicole, our nephew Blake, Zachary and Samantha.

Infamous Santa Claus pictures.  Oh man, you gotta have these right?  Some turn out so precious, like the very first one below.  You can see Zach is somewhat apprehensive, that is why I am sooo close by, but at the same time he wants to make darn sure that Santa knows what he wants for Christmas so his house doesn't get passed up.  And meanwhile, Samantha waited so patiently to tell him her wishes as well.  And we all have the pictures like the last one, where the child is completely horrified at his presence (I honestly think it is hilarious when that happens).

Zach using his interpreter (Mom) to tell Santa what he wants.

Zachary & Samantha with Santa.  There aren't too many Santas that actually look good if you ask me.  This one looks like he is drunk on this picture?

Last year's picture with Santa.  As you can see Luke is not happy.  I have a very similar one from the year before too!  Maybe this year he'll finally be okay with sitting on his lap?

I guess now, looking back at all of these, there is a little inner child in me that does look forward to this year's activities.  I cannot wait to do my annual cookie baking with the kiddos (even if they do lose their interest usually after two recipes are completed).  I look forward to spending some time with Jeff alone to go shopping for the kid's gifts and fight the crazy crowds as we always wait until the last minute.  I am excited to wrap the gifts and place them under the tree so the kids can wake up nice and early the next morning and wait and wait and wait until we get home from the farm and morning chores to open thme (Man that would kill me if I was a kid!).

And last but not least, I look forward to our church service on Christmas morning where we will celebrate the true reason all of this is happening in the first place, the birth of our Saviour!!!!

Matthew 1:21And she will bear a Son, and you shall call His name Jesus, for it is He who will save His people from their sins.

God Bless all of you, and may you all have a joyous Christmas!!!!!!!!

Hot Showers

We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have.  Frederick Keoning

Wow!  I know I'm a tad behind with my most recent post but it has been a crazy last few days for me and getting the hang of my new daily schedule and routine has made other things higher on my priority list.

Last week was my last week at my previous job and this week I "officially" started working alongside the hubby on the family dairy farm.  Along with that comes a new start time to my day of 4:00 am.  I know...that sounds crazy right?  And I'll admit, initially when I roll out of bed I'm not overly thrilled to be getting up, but by the time I leave the house to head to the farm and get to the farm it's surprising how easy it is to get going and find energy.  Maybe it's the one cup of coffee I pound down before heading out of the house, who knows?

My first job when I get to the farm is to feed hay to all of the empty stanctions for the cows we are yet to bring in the barn for the morning milking.  By doing this they are more cooperative when coming in the barn as they never seem like they want to stop eating.  Once I have that done I start hanging the milkers in the first few stanctions to await the start of the milking.  I also have to scrape out the calf pens in the barn (two of them) and bed them with straw when that is complete.  It is about that time that Jeff is done doing what he needs to outside with his feeding that he comes in and we start bringing "the girls" in.

It is quite amazing to me but for the most part the second you open the door they come walking in and the majority will go exactly in the same stanction each time and know exactly where they belong.  There are the occasional "bad apples" who just always seem to go in the wrong spot and mess things up, or maybe they are really blondes or something, who knows, but it does make for an interesting morning on occasion.

Once the cows are all in the barn the real work starts.  I have helped at the farm for quite some time already outside of my other job but I'll be honest, I didn't milk really.  I usually fed calves and did a bunch of other miscellaneous work but this week I have been doing the milking thing in the mornings and well, it's going okay I suppose, but I wish I would be catching on and finding a rhythm sooner with the cows on my side.  Wiping the cows down and putting the actual milkers on is for the most part going well.  I haven't gotten kicked across the aisle yet so that is a good sign I'd say, but each cow milks for different amounts of times and just when I turn my head to start prepping another one to be milked the cow down two from where I am is done and I have to get that milker off asap as its not good to leave them on too long.

And...some of the cows aren't always too cooperative and don't like to move over when I'm trying to make my way into their stanction with the milking unit and well, cows are obviously quite larger than I am, so I pretty much squeeze my ass through and hope they don't get too pissed off.  This morning by the time I was done milking my half of the barn, I was pretty darn dirty.

I am so hard on myself, so of course I hoped I would be able to get a hang of the milking thing better, I suppose I'm probably not doing too bad considering.  Thank goodness I have Bobbie Jo there to help "train" me and lend an extra hand when I fall behind and Jeff seems to be patient for now so once again I'll count my blessings. 

So yeah, this first week has been going pretty good so far.  Every day is completely different once the milking is over and I'm never quite sure when I'll be done, but Jeff has been letting me leave pretty early for the most part and the latest I got home this week was about 10:00 am so I still had a large portion of the day to hang out at home with my little Lukas and finally have a little time to catch up on the housework that needs to be done before heading back to the farm at about 3:15 pm or so.  Lukas loves to help me with vacuuming.

I've learned a lot so far this week.

1)  I am way stronger physically than I ever thought I was.

2)  Cows, although rather large, are for the most part very calm and cool animals with a lot more personality than one realizes.

3)  Work around a farm literally never ends despite what a lot of people think, there is always something to do.

4)  When it is getting cold out and you get filthy doing chores and milking, nothing feels better to me than a nice HOT SHOWER!!!

See?  Always something to be thankful for :)

Thanksgiving?

Let us remember that, as much has been given us, much will be expected from us, and that true homage comes from the heart as well as from the lips, and shows itself in deeds. ~Theodore Roosevelt

I realize that the day of Thanksgiving has come and gone for all of us, but I have been thinking about that day a lot since then.  I sit back and reflect on many different things.

We spent the day gathering with my Mom's extended family, the Verhulst relation.  My Aunt Shirley was in charge of the festivities and because they are all getting older and the family is rather large we have been, for many years already, going out to eat instead of making somebody slave over a stove and deal with dishes and too much cleaning up later.  And I don't know about you but I'm always up for an old fashion or two when having my Thanksgiving meal so I looked forward to it and afterwards we were all invited to her house to bullshit and catch up.

This year at Thanksgiving however, there was a bit of a dark cloud hanging over us, or at least I couldn't stop thinking about it.  One of my cousins, who is quite a few years older than me, but none the less has made an influence on me over the years whether she knows it or not, had recently been diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs disease and anybody who is familiar with this disease knows prognosis is never very good.  It breaks my heart really and it angers me all at the same time.  One of those situations once again in life where I question God's reasoning and have to analyze why?

My cousin Donna is by far one of the kindest and most sincere people I have ever known in my life!  Seriously, I don't  think there is a mean bone in her body.  She has focused her life on family as long as I know her...family and FAITH..and this is how she is repaid?  Where is the sense in that?

I've heard the saying many times already in life "God won't give you more than you can handle" but I can't even begin to comprehend how you handle this.  And I am upset with myself because our time went so fast on Thanksgiving and between watching Luke and making sure he was behaving at the restaurant and eating and the idea that I seriously didn't realize she wasn't going to be at my Aunt Shirley's afterwards, I didn't make a point of going over to talk to her and let her know how I felt and how much she has influenced me and how I've always thought she was such a wonderful person, mother, wife, daughter, daughter-in-law, etc.

Oh I still will, I made a vow that I will.  I'm not sure what I will say, but I need to let her know how much I care about her and all of them.  A card is going out in the mail tomorrow.  I will likely make a meal to bring over.  I have to do something to show I care or it will kill me.  I know how little things can go a long way in life.

Man life sure does work in mysterious and crappy ways.  It was hard to be thankful and to be positive and I'm a positive person most of the time. 

Once again God has thrown a curveball to help remind me to appreciate all of the little things, the things way too many people take for granted.

I will always be thankful for my family, my friends, a gorgeous sunrise in the morning, a good song on the radio, clothes on my children's back, a roof over my head, a good cup of coffee, a messy house full of toys, a dog who begs for affection and a faith in the Lord to make sense of it all...and a lot more.

Who Will It Be?

So, I am not a faithful TV watcher.  Originally the idea of getting a DVR box for our family seemed ridiculous to me.  I mean seriously, I hardly have time to sit down and watch TV when I want to, how would I ever get a chance to sit down and watch shows that I had recorded days before?  After having the box for a while now I take it all back though, I love my DVR, and our kids love it even more!!!

I can truthfully say, I still don't use it all that much, as the only show I really try to faithfully watch is Dancing With The Stars.  I have also learned over time, that I like to keep the peace in my house, so I rarely fight for the TV and am content with recording DWTS and watching it the following day or two to see what happened.  However...I am super pumped for tonight...because not only is the season finale on BUT Jeff has to bowl tonight which means I can actually watch the finale live tonight and not have to wait for a different day.  Major excited!!!!

I don't know how many of you watch this show but I tell you, I am at a loss as to who I am rooting for at this point.

Ricki and Derek?  Man!  I would root for this couple simply because Derek is part of it.  I know...he's like major jailbait to me and all but when he dances it is something to watch for sure.  His charisma and personality are contagious and I find myself standing up in the middle of my living room doing the rumba, cha cha cha and what not when the mood strikes me.  But seriously, Ricki Lake is deserving of the mirror ball trophy.  She has overcome some huge obstacles in her lifetime and has the determination to win for sure.  The only thing that would make me not want them to win is the fact that Derek wins almost every season he is on and it would be nice to see somebody else win for a change.

Then we have Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke.  To be perfectly honest, I am NOT a fan of the Kardashian family whatsoever and am not caught up in all the Hollywood hoopla they are a part of, it makes me quite sick to my stomach most of the time......BUT Rob has definitely caught my eye this season.  At first I didn't think too much of him but I really think he has grown as a dancer and turned from a sloppy looking young spoiled rich kid to one hot, sexy looking spoiled rich kid.  Ha ha.  Seriously, he is "exciting" to watch and out of the all the dancers left he has grown the most I think.

And then we have JR Martinez and Karina (I won't even attempt to spell her last name).  JR is a war veteran who drove over a landmine and was burnt over a large percentage of his body.  Not only does he have the war veteran respect going for him, but he is truthfully a hero and appears to be one of the most optimistic, inspirational people we've ever seen on this show.  My only concern is that, unlike Rob who has gotten better each week, JR started off real strong but has had a few rough weeks lately and that could factor in.

So, who will it be????  There have been sooooo many good moments this year for all of them.

JR's salute to the veterans on this performance was by far the most touching dance I have ever seen performed on this show and brought tears to my eyes!!!

And these sexy rumbas and costumes really get a middle-aged, married woman like me worked up (little does Jeff know how much DWTS works in his benefit....).

All I know is I am FIRED UP!  I cannot wait to see all of their freestyles tonight (some of the craziest, most energetic dances in past seasons) and don't any of you think to call me tonight...I WILL NOT ANSWER MY PHONE!!!

May the best dancers win!!!

New Beginnings

Jeremiah 29:11-12 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then, you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you."

For the last almost 12 years I have been wearing the  Customer Service Representative hat at my job at Times Printing Company here in my home town of Random Lake and to say it has been a great experience as a whole wouldn't be giving it enough credit. 

Oh my goodness the last 12 years have been great!  I have met a ton of wonderful people.  Not just the co-workers I have been blessed to meet and share life stories with, but also the customers I have been corresponding with, who in some cases I have been dealing with the entire time I've been there.  A lot of them have become an extended part of my family and people that I wholeheartedly love with my heart.

But as we all know, life is ever changing and things don't always stay the same, and that is why last week I decided to take a new direction on this journey called "life" and call it quits on what has been a good "run".  I prefer to go out on a good note and at what I believe to the be the "top of my game".

Oh, I know, you're all probably wondering what the heck am I going to try now, but anybody close to me can likely figure it out.  Yep, you guessed it, I am going to work on the dairy farm full time alongside the hubby.  Something I knew 15 years ago when I married Jeff was likely to happen.

My explanation as to why I would make such a change is simple.  I have sat back and seen my husband struggle every single day since his Dad passed away and despite the help I've been giving him between my job and taking care of the kids I simply refuse to sit back and watch him do this anymore by himself.

It will be a life change for me, for our family, but one that was always expected and in all honesty, one that over time will likely be the best thing we ever did for each other.  Am I scared?  Of course I am.  Can I do it?  Of course I can!!!  I already help at the farm quite often now and am not going into this blind obviously, so I know what I'm getting myself into. 

At the ripe young age of 39 I have already learned a lot.  I have learned that nothing can replace the time you spend with your family and I have lost too many people I love already to take that time for granted and I'm not going to waste the opportunity to have more time with my husband and my kids who can be with us at any given time they want at the farm.  I look forward to summer now when they are off of school and they can hang out with us.

I have also learned that way too many people pour all of the energy into their career, trying to make millions of dollars for this thing and that thing, only to find out later that those material things aren't really what they needed in the first place but the love and quality time that they missed out on was and it's now too late to get it back.

I don't want to be that person that wakes up one day with regrets like that.  I don't want to be that person who wishes she had spent more time with her kids instead of traveling here or there for work.  I don't want to be that person who sat back and didn't follow her heart and didn't follow her "gut" and go for it.

So I'm not gonna be her........

I'm putting my faith in the Lord as I seem to think He might have a little bit to do with this.

Flashback

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness. ~Maya Angelou, Gather Together in My Name

This past Thursday I had the pleasure of attending our local high school musical, West Side Story, with my two older children, Sam and Zach and my mother.  I make a point of attending their musicals every Fall as I think it is a good thing to support and am amazed every year at how talented our local youth can be.

This year however I was even more excited than normal.  See this is the 3rd time our high school has performed this particular musical, with the very first time being when I was a Junior in High School, way back in Fall of 1988.  

Wow!  Crazy that it was that long ago.  I'm not kidding, I think I was able to recite pretty much the entire dialogue and music the other night while I sat there and observed from the audience.  I find it crazy how some things in life I forget almost immediately but others stay in my head for what seems like forever.

Zach was very intrigued by the musical and was asking a lot of questions about it and although he knew I played the part of Anita when we did it, he wanted to find out if anybody else he knew played any of the other parts.  So..with that I got out one of my old photo albums full of high school mementos and pictures and gave him a tour.  I'll admit, I did forget who played some of the other parts and it made me look back in time.

Lisa (Muench) Kelling and I playing the parts of Maria and Anita.

Andy Beger and I as Bernardo & Anita

Multiple people during the dance scene.

Lieutenant Schrank and Officer Krupke talking to the Jets.

Bernardo, Tony (Chris Maleug) and Riff (Joel Hammen) during the "war council".

Members of the Jets, John Morgan, Scott Wetor and Brian Holtz

During the photo album tour I had to stop and wonder where some of these people are now, quite a few of them are still in this area with families of their own now and there is one girl from my class who unfortunately passed away in a car accident a few years ago.  It's sad how life continues to change all the time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.  But each and every day we grow as people and learn from our past, or at least we should.

I look back on my experience in these high school musicals with a huge smile on my face.  Man did we all have fun doing this.  And for some reason, this particular musical brought out a lot of different people for the tryouts than musicals in previous years had so it was awesome to have such an interested and enthusiastic cast to showcase their talents we didn't even know some of them had.  Music was truly my refuge at this time and still is on most days.

I had a sassy character and here I am trying to prove my point that America is the best place to be.

The fight scene between the Jets and the Sharks.

The Office Krupke song.  The kids favorite part of the musical.

More Office Krupke.

My duet with Maria after my boyfriend Bernardo was stabbed and killed

The ending scene when Tony gets shot.

I am thankful that my kids seem to have this same interest in music that I have.  When writing this blog it occured to me that Sam has been in more musicals in her life already than I have.  She has done 5 with Lakeshore Productions already and was also in the Jr. High School musical Annie this past school year.  Kids just seem to have a lot more opportunities now than we did then.

It's time to put my high school photo album back in the closet until the next time one of the kiddos shows interest in what Mom was like years ago.  So far they seem to think I was an okay "teenager" for my time.

And as far as the 2011 version of West Side Story.  It was the BOMB!  Seriously, they did an unbelievable job.  When leaving the theater though my Mom did lean over and whisper in my ear "You were better as Anita", I think she's just biased a tad :)

Shoes

Shoes

-Author Unknown

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes.

... To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am.

I am a woman who has a child with cancer. I will forever walk in these shoes.

I saw this poem on a Caring Bridge website.  A young family who I know by association, the Dad/Husband's parents were good friends of  my parents growing up and are big drag racers like my brother's family, so they all stayed in touch over the years.  I haven't kept in touch as much but it doesn't mean I don't care.  When I found out that their little boy was diagnosed with a form of childhood cancer before even turning a year old my heart instantly broke for them.
I keep in touch with their happenings via email notifications from their Caring Bridge website and cry a lot when reading the posts.  Sure, some of the posts are good ones and I smile, but some are definitely not and I can only imagine what they are going through on a daily basis.  I think this poem really spells it out for all of us and should for sure make any of us not dealing with this type of crisis in our lives be thankful.

Not only do they have a child with cancer but they are trying their very best to raise three other beautiful children in the most normal environment they can provide despite the circumstances.  I know from raising my own children how difficult it can be on any given day under normal circumstances, it must be extremely hard for them, but they plug along and continue their fight the best they can.

Cancer sucks...period!

I lost my own father to cancer almost 10 years ago and saw him struggle and suffer for quite some time fighting the battle, but even as hard as that was and how unfair it seems to have lost him at the age of 58, I couldn't imagine having to see my child go through this battle and still remain positive for the sake of my other children.

There has got to be a cure, there has got to be more we can do for these innocent and precious little ones.  I don't think I will ever fully understand God's reasoning when he makes these poor little children suffer the way that they do. 

Keep all of these families in your thoughts.  Hug and love your children that much more.  Offer your support and kindness to anybody you may know dealing with this situation, or a similar one, and most of all...don't judge.  Until you have walked in their shoes you really aren't able to.